The Grass is not always Greener...

A good friend of mine started off her kids in private Yeshivas. For good reasons, her family moved to a place where there are no Jewish schools available for her kids and she has now been homeschooling them since October 2013.

She is having such a wonderful experience Homeschooling, and I feel that a lot of what we talk about can really help other moms out there who are new to or are having a difficult time Homeschooling.

Here is her story:

 "When we lived in a big Jewish community, my kids started school at age 2. They were picked up by the bus at 8:15 am and dropped off at home between 4:30 and 4:45 pm. They would arrive home starving and exhausted. I would feed them, do homework with them (the Preschool and Kindergarten age kids) bath them and put them to bed.

"I did not know my kids.

"I had no idea how advanced one of my kids were in reading since her class were only learning the Hebrew letters. I would never have known she could have advanced in her fluency of reading in Hebrew and English within 4 months if not for homeschooling. One of my other kids was behind (we later found out it was because she simply needed glasses) which was not good for her self esteem as she was not up to class level.

"Once I began Homeschooling, it was like this whole new world opened up to us on so many levels.

"For one, I now know what my kids are eating and make sure they have healthy wholesome meals and snacks throughout the day, something I had no control over when they went to school.

"For my child who is ahead of her grade level, I am able to move forward with her and challenge her and she could not be happier. For my other child, she got glasses and is now able to catch up at her own pace with out being compared to anyone. She feels so much better about herself, its amazing to see.

"Socially, the only time they complain is when they say they miss their cousins. Never once have they asked to go back to school. In fact, they are the happiest I have ever seen them.

"I did keep their uniforms for school time. I get them from http://www.cookieskids.com/ and it really helps keeping school time structured as well as keeps the weekly amount of laundry very manageable!

"We finish our school day at 2 pm and I don't see them until dinnertime. They play with the kids in the neighborhood, ride their bikes, play outside, play all together. It is so beautiful to see my kids all so close. I wish I would have had that as a child, to be able to develop real relationships with my siblings. But we were always at school or with friends or doing homework, we never got a chance to really get to know each other even though we lived under the same roof and shared parents.

"I get to hug and kiss my kids during school time. I really get to know them. They have chores at home that they are more then happy to do, since they don't have the pressure of tests and homework. I wish I would have had the opportunity to grow up like this. I always had friends at school, but I also always felt so lost. Here, my kids get their life and education catered to who they are. Its such an amazing gift! I feel that if we do move again, I don't think I can ever put my kids back into a conventional school. I want to Homeschool them all the way through High School if I can.

"To the moms out there having a hard time, I have been on the other side. Where your child just gets lost in the shuffle. Sure, you have A LOT more time to yourself! But the gift of giving your kids this individualized attention and guidance is something that will be with them forever. You may think the grass is greener on the other side, but if you take the time to water your own it will be greener."

Wishing you all a wonderful week,

Always,

Whats Cookin? An interview with Aunt Rishe

I didn't grow up in a very large family, so this whole idea of cooking for a bunch of picky kids is very foreign to me. I have had to figure things out along the way and always marvel at those moms with their monthly/weekly menus and shopping lists.

I am very lucky to have a really wonderful aunt who is not just a successful editor in her own right, but she has 8 kids (all are adults now) but she always seemed to have the whole dinner thing down. I remember going over for dinner and there would be a table full of people, most of them her kids, and there was always a huge amount of the most delicious and healthy food. 

She has graciously gifted me with some of her time and wisdom on getting good wholesome meals on the table by dinner time for a large amount of kids (picky or not) and I hope you find it as helpful as I did!

 An Interview with Aunt Rishe:

1- What are your thoughts on quality and quantity versus variety when it comes to planning a meal

When you have a large family of young children, pat yourself on the back if you can get one hot thing on the table at night and one cold thing. So if you get chicken and salad, GREAT. if you get rice with onions/peppers/mushrooms, and cantaloupe, FANTASTIC. Variety? Not necessary. That is for later, when your life eases up.

2- Can you give a basic weekly dinner menu in your house

Sorry, I am lazy to answer this one.

3- Do you make a meal plan every week/month or plan per day

I try for every week, but sometimes I goof off on that. One thing I find very helpful: once I’m already spending Friday in the kitchen, I try to cook LOTS so we will have supper Sunday night for sure and hopefully Mon night also.

4- How do you cater to picky eaters when cooking large quantities of food for a large family

I don’t. I don’t think it is advisable for mothers to cater to picky eaters. Making a big deal out of what a kid eats, or how much, only encourages eating disorders later on. You put the food down. Whoever wants it and needs it will eat it. The others can wait til breakfast the next day if they want to, or they can take a fruit or make themselves some toast. 

True story: I had a little girl, Chanel, who was teensy. She was much thinner and smaller than her younger sister. In fact we called her Pencil because that is how she looked, except she was also short. She was so short that at her elementary graduation, I looked across the auditorium and spotted her in the crowd and said, “How come Chanel is sitting with the high school?” I didn’t understand why all her friends were a few inches taller than she was. That is when I realized how truly short she was. I had to order custom high school uniforms for her because they didn’t make them that small. (I also had to special-order tiny underwear for her when she was two years old.)  

Anyway… throughout her childhood, every single night at supper, I would put out the serving bowls, then ask each child what they wanted. “Shula, rice? Meat ball? Salad? Hindel, rice? meat ball? salad?” and down the line, filling their plates with whatever they wanted. When I would get to Chanel, and I would list the options for her, she would always reply the same thing, night after night: “Just a drink.” Except she didn’t say R so it came out, “Just a dwink.” She was the cutest thing. I would fill her cup and keep moving with the serving of supper. Even at six years old she was a smart, mentally mature little person and I knew she would eat what she needed, when she needed. I trusted her to know her own body better than I could know it. (By the way she would eat a few bites for breakfast and a few bites for lunch. It was just supper that she skipped completely.)

This continued until one day in the ninth grade Chanel came home in her tiny custom-made high school uniform and said words I had never heard before: “Ma, I’m hungry.” She then went to the freezer and took out a loaf of Sova whole wheat bread and a package of cheese. She made herself three grilled cheese sandwiches, six slices of bread, and sat down and ate them all. (I just stared.) She began doing this every day after school. That year, she grew five inches. At her high school graduation, she was three inches taller than me. She’s been eating well ever since. I am so glad I trusted her.

5- What does a general picture of dinner time look like in your house (with lots of kids at the table) [is it buffet? is all food put on the table? do certain kids set the table and others do the dishes?] Just a general idea will do

I would usually put the food on the table and a stack of plates, forks, etc. We would sit down together and I would serve each child (when they were little). When they reached the age of about eight, they could help themselves, but we did sit together and talk. We had “jobs” – different kids doing different jobs in the house. I wasn’t so great at enforcing them but I did my best and the kids turned into pretty nice adults B”H. I am not prejudiced at all, really I’m not!

6- Do you have any help when preparing dinner (someone who cuts and peels etc.) if not, do the kids help make dinner

I had one daughter, Hindel, who was particularly gifted in the kitchen department. I would very often collect the ingredients onto the counter and leave it for her to put together. She had a small repertoire of suppers that she could make from the age of about ten. She could make chicken with potatoes and onions (in one big roasting pan); she could make a fresh salad and dressing; she could make French toast; she could make anything I showed her how to make. It was fair because she didn’t have other jobs in the house such as childcare, sweeping, clearing, etc. 

Then I had another daughter Shula who had (still has) the unusual ability to do tiny, careful work with her hands. She would make, for example, a layered salad in a glass truffle bowl that was gorgeous and delicious; it took her two hours sometimes to make it. But she seemed happy doing it, so fine. I had another daughter, Zeesy, who was very independent. She decided one fine day that she wanted to start baking challah (we had always bought) and she could figure it out from the diagrams in the purple cookbook. And she did. She taught her sister and on down the line and now they all teach their women in their Chabad Houses how to make challah.

Leah (another daughter) was very careful and exact. If I asked her to make seven dozen rugelach, her last one looked exactly like her first one. It was amazing. She never got lazy with it no matter the quantity. Then there’s Mirel. She blows me away because she’ll open a magazine or cookbook, spot a complicated, ten-step recipe that to me is totally Greek, and casually say, “I think I can make this.” And then she does. Who gave birth to her?

7- In regard to salads- so you have a large salad every night with dinner? If so, is it the same salad every night and who prepares it?

We did have a fresh salad most nights. Not every single. Am I under oath? Sometimes I would make frozen vegetables. I admit it. The kids only liked them with shredded cheese and salt.

8- What time of day do you make dinner

I always found that as long as supper ingredients are lined up on the counter, and there’s a clear and reasonable plan, I am unstressed about it. So I try to line them up early in the day. Putting it all together is the easy part. It’s the buying/gathering of ingredients that stresses me.

9- Do you ever serve (or even HAVE) left overs and do you ever cook and freeze

You’re kidding, right? Of COURSE I serve leftovers! I love leftovers. Sunday night for sure, hopefully Monday night too. The key to having people enjoy and want your leftovers is to heat them up properly, so they don’t get dried out or taste gross. Sometimes I’ll fry the leftovers. That always works. I’m not a big freezer person but sometimes I’ll make a huge vegetable soup or several roasts and freeze them in smaller containers. When I need them, I sure am happy I did it.

Sometimes I make lots of supper (four chickens, five pounds of green beans, ten pounds of potatoes) thinking I’ll have enough for two nights but then it goes in one night. Oh well. As long as it goes to give the people I love and care about the energy to live good and happy lives, I would be an idiot to complain.

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And there you have it-

For those of you who have the whole dinner thing/menu plan under control, I take my hat off to you. For those of you who are still trying to figure it out, just know that you are not alone! 

Thanks again aunt Rishe for your great advice and sharing your personal experiences with us.

Wishing you all a wonderful week,

Always,

Still Waters Run Deep... getting personal with Mayim Bialik

Mayim Bialik

I am sure most of you remember reading my fabulous interview on fellow Jewish homeschooling mama, Mayim Bialik. I just want to mention that aside for the fact that her children are homeschooled,  she has a B.S. in Neuroscience and Hebrew and Jewish Studies and a Ph.D. in Neuroscience. Mayim is also the author of the fantastic book, Beyond the Sling: A Real-Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way. Oh, and in her 'spare' time, she writes a weekly blog for for the Jewish parenting site Kveller.com and I may have forgotten to mention that she was nominated for an Emmy for her work on the hilarious TV show The Big Bang Theory.

Another thing you should know about Mayim is that she is also extremely human. She is smart, she is down to earth and she deals with her life's challenges with such integrity that I thought it would be a real treat to have her share some of her wisdom and experiences with us.

Mayim graciously agreed to do an interview on the current events of her personal life. She was vulnerable, she was open and she was so honest. I was moved by many of the things she said and I am sure you will all walk away from this interview with at least one thing that hits home.

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An Interview with Mayim Bialik

Q: We all go through our own set of challenges in life. Right now, you are going through a divorce from your husband of 9 years. You also homeschool your 2 children, ages 4 and 7. Surely they have questions. What is your approach when your kids ask? Are you open with them and share with them exactly what is going on? Are you vague? And do you have any specific reason for the approach you have with your kids when filling them in?

At the ages of 4 and 7, the questions are very limited. Our younger son is only recently fluent verbally so as we were told to expect, questions from the 7-year-old mainly revolve around how, if at all, his daily life will change with the changes going on. It was suggested to us by the child specialist we spoke to, and using the book "The Truth About Children and Divorce" by Robert Emery, that it is age appropriate and normal for children to be "egocentric" and that you don't need to speak to them at a level they're not ready to operate at simply because you understand things at a more sophisticated level. In general, in all arenas of parenting, I never lie but I may choose to keep certain things private and age appropriate since children can be easily overwhelmed by too much information and too much sophisticated information, especially emotionally speaking. Since I am not an expert in child development or family therapy, we have relied heavily on support from professionals who deal with this, as well as friends who have gone through it and the aforementioned book.


Q: You clearly seem very level headed and things seem very civil between you and your soon to be ex- but surely there are times when things might seem overwhelming and all you want to do is be by yourself. But being a working actor as well as a homeschooling attachment parent, alone time is hard to come by. How do you deal with those difficult moments when your little guys need your attention but your mind is simply not there?

Being alone is always something that's been important to me and becoming a parent can be a real scary challenge to those of us who value alone time. Part of our decision to not use outside help for child care has gotten me accustomed to learning to simply be there for my kids. It's hard not being able to run away and sometimes I want to, but at those times, I do what one of my mentors who has older kids has told me to do: be gentle on myself, eliminate superfluous commitments, order in dinner or serve leftovers (I've been known to feed my sons canned vegetarian beans and corn for dinner, which they love!), and go to sleep when the kids do so that sleep deprivation doesn't add to my desire to run away!


Q: As women, we are very emotional and hormonal creatures and personal challenges can often bring us to tears (guilty as charged). Kids don't quite know what to do when they see their mommy cry or feel sad/down. Have you been sad or cried in front of your kids, and is there anything you say or do to help them deal with it?

I have "lost it" in front of my kids and they have certainly seen me cry. What I've been told is that it's important to not pretend you're fine when it's clear that you're not because even very young children know when your words don't match your affect. It's also important to communicate that, although you are upset/sad/frustrated, you will be okay and that you can handle what's going on. Sometimes I'll tell my boys that I need a mommy time-out so that I can compose myself, rather than make them feel in any way responsible for making me feel better. My older son in particular is very empathetic and sensitive and both of my boys like to give me a kiss when they see I'm upset. I make sure to use this as my wake-up call to thank them for the kiss and try and move on so that they don't continue to feel responsible for making me feel better.


Q: You and Mike obviously are working things out very civilly  but whether you are married, divorced, getting divorced or a single parent, we all have arguments with our significant other. Are there any methods of communication that you use with Mike to get through difficult conversations/arguments when the kids are present?

It's very important to know when to stop communicating almost more than it's important to know to continue communicating. I think it's important to not have extended emotionally difficult conversations in front of children and I also think it's important to model civility in arguments, never name call, and let children hear you use phrases such as, "I'm really upset right now and it's hard for me to think straight. I'd like to discuss this later. I appreciate you respecting that." 

Q: Finally, do you have any specific words of encouragement and/or advice for other homeschooling moms/attachment style parents who are going through their own set of challenges- be it a divorce, an illness, financial issues etc. who are with their kids for extended amounts of time during the day and need to "be on and be present" with their kids without the 'luxury' of being able to fall apart?

My suggestions would be the ones I've been given, which I mentioned above: go easy on yourself, know that no parent is perfect, there is no parent who never gets upset, yells when they don't intend to, or acts selfishly when they ought to act selflessly. Children are resilient but they're also incredibly fragile. The tension and balance of their existence depends on our ability to manage it for them and for ourselves as well. I'm told that if we are okay, our children will be okay too. It's not fun going through a divorce, but I try to be guided by honesty, compassion, and always looking towards the big picture and wanting the best for my children as the children of a divorced couple.

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Thank you Mayim.

Wishing you all a wonderful week~

Always,

MAUI KOSHER COOKBOOK- Click Here to Purchase

An interview with Jewish homeschooling mom, Mayim Bialik

Growing up, one of my favorite TV shows to watch was Blossom, which I am sure many of you 30 something moms have very fond memories of watching. Blossom was played by an adorable Jewish girl named Mayim Bialik.

Fast forward a decade and then some later, and Mayim is still a very talented and well known actor, but she has also received her B.S. in Neuroscience and Hebrew and Jewish Studies from UCLA and earned a Ph.D. in Neuroscience from UCLA. She is the celebrity spokesperson for the Holistic Moms Network, a national non-profit organization dedicated to supporting holistic and green parenting and living. You can click here for Mayim’s full bio.

She has just written a book called Beyond the Sling: A Real-Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way which will be out in March and she writes weekly for Kveller.com, a Jewish parenting site.

Mayim is a fellow Jewish Homeschooling mom and has generously taken the time to answer some questions about her life as a Jewish Homeschooling family. I am sure many of you will relate to many of the things she says. Enjoy!

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1. Can you tell us about yourself and your family.

We are a happily holistic homeschooling family. My husband and I met in college in calculus class and he stays home when I work. We have 2 boys, ages 6 and 3 and we are both 36. My husband has a masters in Political Science and I have a PhD in Neuroscience. I am an employed actress on The Big Bang Theory, but I also teach Neuroscience and piano in our homeschool community.

2. What type of Jewish education did you receive as a child?

I was raised in a traditional house that affiliated with the reform movement. My parents are both first generation Americans and taught in public schools for a combined 60 years. My mother also was the nursery school director at our shul when I was a kid. I attended Hebrew school once a week from age 4-10 and twice a week as well as 5 shabbatons a year from 10-19. I was Bat Mitzvah'd and confirmed and we observed holidays such as Pesach and Chanukah in the home, but we didn't have a halachic home for the most part.

We were kosher when I was a child but my parents stopped being kosher and I then took it on again in my early adolescence. My mother's parents were orthodox and so I learned a bit about orthodoxy from them, but it was a very specific kind of eastern European orthodoxy and was not the whole picture as I know now!

3. Why did you decide to homeschool your own children?

Many reasons. My husband and I enjoy the flexibility: travelling, scheduling outings and such on our time. We like our children not being held to some standard of what other kids are doing as their defining label. Both of our boys are very sensitive and gentle and developed "late" in terms of walking, talking and interacting. A public setting would not have allowed them to progress under our care and we like to keep our finger on the pulse of their development as organic and natural and normal.

Private education is very expensive and we really like the Waldorf philosophy (no media, natural toys, emphasis on non-academics for the first 7 years and after that, very child-led), but we also love being a part of our boys' learning and life. We like to know we can teach them all aspects of every subject and we love being part of a progressive community of people who are open to a lot of types of learning styles. there is also a lot of socialization that goes on in schools that I don't think would work for our boys or for us, nor do I think it's always best for communities. We love school and we want our boys to be able to go to college if they want to; we are not at all anti-school; we really believe all children deserve a better shot at developing to their unique potential than what school in many places looks like.

4. What method of homeschooling are you using with your kids?

We are unschoolers. Not radical unschoolers, but unschoolers. We never taught our boys shapes or colors or numbers of the alphabet until they started showing interest in them. We limit media (they don't watch TV or see movies) also because we like to see what they are ready for independent of the "peer" pressure of the media.

We are Waldorf-inspired but I don't think that fits us as a label.

5. Do you follow a specific curriculum? If yes, which one? (both Jewish and secular)

Our boys are still young but we have not used any curriculum and we don't even do workbooks yet. Our older son does a lot of learning with us: we did a basic animal science module (that's my word for how we learn) last year and we started geography. I teach him piano (but also allow him to take breaks when his world seems more about play which has been the past 8 months or so!) as well and my husband does math.

We also started learning the Aleph-Beis and we do Parsha together. We also study middos with the Baruch Chait books about the middos pirates, and this year I intend to start teaching davening more formally. A wonderful woman in our community does a Hebrew school-style playgroup that our boys love, and they are the only non-kippah wearing kids in the group, but it's working out great! We also have used www.room613.net and I think our older son may be ready for some more classes through that great site.

6. What are some benefits you find in homeschooling?

Time with our kids, getting to see every shift and change in their ability, interest and wonder. Allowing their neshama to come through every day because the world is so open to them in terms of what they love, what they want and how they love to just be joyful and play and explore.

7. What are some personal challenges you find in homeschooling and how do you overcome them?

Time with our kids (lol). We don't really get a break. I don't work full days at all so I experience it too, but since we don't use nannies or anything, we sometimes get overwhelmed! Our boys are wonderful and we love them infinitely, but they are often needing more of us than we think we can give! Outings are important, outside play is very important, and having toys that keep them engaged for longer periods of time is great. We don't use a TV for breaks but I for sure can see why people do!!!

8. How do you incorporate Judaism into your homeschool curriculum?

As I mentioned we do Parsha and we study holidays on all levels. Every moment is an opportunity to teach about the wonders of the universe and to instill a sense of gratitude and I think that is a very Jewish thing to do! we host homeschool families for all of the Jewish holidays so that our boys get to see what welcoming people in for holidays looks like, and I keep them very involved in preparing and learning about halachos as well as much as I can. And everything stops on Shabbos, and that's a great reminder to them of the rhythm of the Jewish week!

9. Do you have any Jewish resources you would like to share with the Jewish homeschooling community?

Room613.net I mentioned; I also love the natural Jewish parenting group run by Yael Resnick. We have a Jewish homeschoolers community here in la that is fantastic and I hope other communities have it too...middos series books I mentioned are fantastic for all ages (we modify for the little one since the concepts and words are sometimes geared for older kids) http://www.feldheim.com/authors/chait-rabbi-baruch/the-middos-series.html

We make sure to have a lot of Jewish books always around and we take them out several weeks before each holiday to get the concepts solidified. I also love the Artscroll books and siddurs for young people; I can't wait until we are ready for those!

10. Do you have any words of advice/encouragement for Jewish moms who are new to homeschooling and want to make sure their kids get a well-rounded Jewish education?

I am not as religious as many Jewish homeschoolers I know and I have seen incredible diversity in approach and great outcomes. Some people hire Ravs, some people don't; some use a curriculum, some don't, but the beauty of being home with your kids (especially as a mom) is that the heart of the Jewish home is constantly available to them. They get to see a lot of the intricacies of how the Jewish house runs and prays and breathes, and that is not to be taken lightly. Also, the internet resources and discussion groups available make help and support and education a click away and I think the benefits are tremendously rewarding if you have faith, find like-minded people, and trust yourself!

Thank you Mayim for your great insights and for your time!

Wishing you all a wonderful Shabbos,