Worst Day Ever!

My 5 year old daughter is very emotional and sensitive.

Recently I have noticed that when she gets upset or frustrated about something, she makes a very dramatic comment like, 'this is the worst day of my life!' or 'I am having the worst day ever!' which is often followed by a river of tears.

In her little world, things need to go according to plan. Things need to look a certain way and be a certain way. And when they don't, it really is, to her, the worst day ever.

A few days ago, we were headed out in the car and her sister sat in her booster chair. She looked at me and wailed, 'mommy, this is just the worst day ever!'

I looked at her and very calmly said, 'No. It FEELS very frustrating when someone sits in your booster chair. They don't belong there, you do. It's a difficult MOMENT. Lets ask your sister to move so we can get through this moment.'

She looked at me and very calmly asked her sister to move. Her sister moved, and she got into her own booster chair and we were off.

Ever since that day, when something happens, she comes over to me and says, 'mommy, I'm having a difficult moment, can you help me.' And we work through it.

I think it is so important to teach kids the importance of how our lives are made up of moments. And sure, there are going to be some really hard or sad or frustrating moments in our lives. But that does not mean that those moments need to define our day, or week or existence.

For my little one, she caught on pretty fast. Lets deal with this moment. Then the rest of the day can be pretty great. Its just something that has happened and we will get through it, giving the rest of the day the chance to be wonderful.

May we all be blessed to get through our own difficult moments. Let them not define our day or our lives.

Have a peaceful and restful Shabbos,

Always,

Faith

A few weeks ago I saw a brilliant movie called Bridge of Spies. I won't go into detail about the actual movie, but there was a certain part of it that I really loved.

There is a scene where a lawyer is telling a Russian spy who has been caught that he will possibly get the death penalty. The spy, a soft spoken man in his late 60's just looks at him and nods his head. "You don't seem very upset about this news," says the Lawyer. "Would it help?" replies the spy.

There are a few scenes like this throughout the movie between the spy and his Lawyer. Where he is given not great news but he meets it in a very calm way, just accepting it.

Thats not to say one should not get upset or emotional, we are human beings at the end of the day. But there are times when getting emotional really won't help a situation, in fact, it can actually make it worse.

People often tell me how 'calm' I am during stressful times. The cleaning lady didn't show up on Friday. A friend was over cooking with me. "What are you going to do????" she gasped, "Why are you not freaking out?" "Would it help?" I replied with a smile.

When I first became a mom over ten years ago, I remember wondering why every time my son was hungry he would cry as if the world was falling apart. I mean, I was feeding him on demand, when would he learn that I am his mommy, I love him with every part of my being and my goal in life was to be there for his every need. He really didn't need to get so emotional every time he needed something!

And then came the separation anxiety. I remember so clearly putting him in his high chair and going into the next room to get something. The screams from that poor child, you would have thought I was leaving on a one way ticket to Mars, never to return. Even if I would talk to him while walking away, he would cry his eyes out until I returned.

Obviously our kids all grow up and realize that mommy isn't going anywhere and they learn how to communicate. But those few events stuck in my mind for a very long time.

One of my biggest personal challenges in my life is having Faith. Having Faith in Hashem that He is the one in control, and whatever is supposed to happen, will happen.

But over the years, I have learnt a lot, especially from my babies.

If only our babies just 'knew' that we will feed them, or change them, or return to the room in a few minutes. Why the anxiety? Why the need to scream as if its not going to happen?

We are very much like these little ones. We are often in situations in our lives where it seems like Hashem has 'left the room' so to speak. And we get anxious, and scared, and don't know what to do.

Thats where the faith comes in.

When in a situation where we feel we want to scream, the cleaning lady let you down Erev Pesach, your kids are fighting and driving you nuts, your car broke down, whatever, I am sure you can fill in the blanks with all your own situations, take a deep breath. Getting upset and frustrated really is not going to help. Its a feeling, but not a productive feeling.

Take a deep breath and think, okay. Hashem 'has left the room' for a minute. He will be right back and whatever is supposed to happen, will happen. Will screaming and crying help right now? No. There is a time to cry and get upset and when those times happen in our lives we do not need to ask ourselves if this is a time to cry.

But the times where we have a choice to react, or take a breath, take the breath. Hashem will pave the way whether we believe it or not. But having faith that Hashem will hold our hand and take us exactly where we need to go will make the journey a whole lot easier.

Wishing you a wonderful week,

Always,

Tree Trimming

When we moved into our home almost 10 years ago, aside for incredible bicoastal views and lots of space, one of the best things about this house was the huge avocado tree growing in the back yard.

This tree gave the most delicious buttery avocados I have ever tasted. The avocados were huge, about the size of a large grape fruit and some years we had so many avocados we had to send friends home with 8-10 avos each time they came over.

I lived on these avocados when I was nursing my first child, absolutely terrified to eat anything that might cause the poor baby gas or any other side affects I had read about.

Fresh mashed avocado was the very first food for all of my kids.

Pesach, we always had an abundance of the most delicious avocados.

This tree was so huge, it cast a massive shadow over our back porch giving it a natural shade from the strong Hawaiian sun. It was truly our magical tree.

Until one day the Maui Health Department arrived on our doorstep telling us that our dear avocado tree was too large and needed to be trimmed for various reasons.

In New York you get in trouble if you don't shovel the snow off your side walk. On Maui you get in trouble when your trees are too high. Go figure. Okay, we didn't actually get in trouble, we just had to take care of it right away.

So along came the tree trimmer. A trimmer. You go to the salon for a trim and she cuts an inch, maybe 2 off. Apparently, tree trimming on Maui means, cut most of the tree down leaving the trunk and a few stubby branches.

It was so depressing to see. I know, its just a tree you say. But this was a huge gorgeous tree, now just a brown stump. Okay, not a stump, its still the tree but imagine a huge tree with no branches or leaves. I was sad. The kids were all sad. Anyone who came over who looked at our tree got sad too.

Here it is. So so sad.

Well, the tree trimmer didn't seem too concerned. And any of our friends who know anything about landscaping and trees were just like,  "Wow, that is the best thing you could have done for that tree!" "Its going to grow back and be so much healthier!" "Your next avocados are going to be insane!"

Yeah, okay, whatever. The tree is gone, stop trying to make me feel better. It's really not working.

But...

A few mornings after the tree was cut down I noticed this rather unusual influx of monarch butterflies flying around the yard. We're talking Disney Movie imagine the princess in the forrest and all the forest creatures flying around her amount of butterflies.

The kids would lay in the grass and have butterflies land on their noses, and we soon discovered a tree that had been somewhat smothered by the avo tree was now just blossoming, and I guess it was a tree that butterflies eat from and build their cocoons on cos now our garden is filled with these gorgeous butterflies.

And then the next morning, sitting at the kitchen table, the sun just came streaming in, creating this really gorgeous warmth. A warmth that had been blocked by this huge tree all these years.

After about a month, I started to notice these tiny green shoots coming out of the cut branches. These shoots have now turned into full on luminous green leaves.

 

I guess the tree trimmer wasn't just a chain saw happy meanie who destroyed our tree. I guess he knew what he was doing. Because now our tree looks really happy. And we have sun at the breakfast table. And there are butterflies flying around our garden all day. I guess its all going to be okay.

Kind of like life.

Sometimes, it seems like things are really good. And then something happens where it seems really really not so good. And it makes us really sad. We reminisce for the old life we had. How we wish things could just go back to the way they were.

But little do we know, that what seems really difficult is actually Hashems way of making us stronger. It is Hashems way of bringing in the butterflies, and the sunshine and the new brighter leaves.

We just need to listen to the experts. The landscapers who say its good for the tree to trim it down, cut down all the branches. To make room for the incredible blessings to come.

We all know that saying, 'It will all be okay in the end, if its not okay, its not the end.'

Its called having faith. And the next time you feel like a tree that has just been cut down, hang in there. Hang in there really tight, because sometimes the only way to let those blessings in, is by cutting down the tree.

Wishing you a wonderful week,

Always,

I'm actually replaceable, who would have thought!

Whether we like it or not, we all inherit certain qualities from our parents, both good and not so good. I got my creative and artistic side from my dad, which I am so thankful for. He also gave me really chubby fingers, the ones where you can't try on any rings in a jewelry store cos none of them fit. Yup. Thanks Pops.

One of the wonderful things I inherited from my mom, aside from bouncing back quite quickly after each birth and pretty quick and uneventful labors, I inherited the wonderful (insert sarcasm here) gift of varicose veins. And throw in 4 pregnancies in 4 years and its a nice recipe for those big bulging thick really unattractive veins on my inner right calf. The ones where at the end of every day I need to lay down and elevate my feet up on a wall because they feel so heavy and itchy.

After my recent trip to NY where I walked some serious milage, I vowed that as soon as I got home to Maui I would take care of my veins as they were really starting to bother me and effect me on a daily bases.

So this past Tuesday I went in to get them taken care of. It was an hour procedure called Radio frequency Ablation followed by a Phlebectomy. Basically they zap the veins with radio frequency then remove them. Its gross but they gave me some serious meds that sent me to a very happy place where I really had no idea what was happening but I know I walked out of there without my big bugling veins so whatever they did, it worked.

This is an out patient procedure and apparently I should have been up and running the next day, even that day- but the drugs they gave me did quite a number on my body. I didn't take any pain killers or anything else once I got home, but I guess my body was really sensitive to whatever they gave me for the procedure that I just needed to be patient and let it work its way out of my system.

I was a serious zombie and all I could do was sleep and take short walks every time I woke up until I got dizzy again then back to laying down again.

Now being the super organized wannabe that I strive to be, had I known I would have been out of commission for the week I would have made meals, hired help and organized all the house help I would need. But this caught me by surprise and I was so out of it I actually didn't even care what was happening in the house, it didn't even occur to me who would make dinner or watch the kids. I was just flying high.

By Friday afternoon I was coming back to down to earth and as I was landing I witnessed some pretty interesting things.

The house was clean. The laundry was up to date. Shabbos was cooked. The kids were busy and happy. Life continued. The world did not fall apart while I took a ride on my little space ship.

Of course none of this happened by itself, and if not for my husband who ran the show then the house probably would have fallen apart, but it was a really great lesson for me. Something that somewhat liberated me.

There are so many other people, including the kids, that can do this mom job. Why put it all on our shoulders? I realized the more help, the merrier! Get help with the laundry, the cleaning, babysitting, even cooking. Whether its paid help, family jobs and delegation, we do not have to do it all.

Of course there are things that only a mommy can do, like bed time snuggles, morning hugs, kissing boo boos, but I realized the more others can help the more available we can be, the more free we are. And its so good for the kids! The big ones helping the little ones, the little ones cutting their own chicken with a plastic knife, the more they do by themselves the better.

So take off that super mom cape, theres no prize for doing it all except burn out. Put on the delegation hat, look at the areas in your life that anyone else can do and try find ways for others to fill those up, even if its your kids.

Baruch Hashem, I'm feeling so much better but I did not jump right back into the super mom role. I'm rolling with this 'everyone can pitch in' thing. It's working out pretty well for everyone, even if I get a few eye rolls here and there from some of my helpers who are not on the payroll.

Wishing you all a happy and healthy week,

Always,

Who's running the show?

I just got back from New York about 2 weeks ago. I went with my older kids to visit my family. We are a really close family and it was an amazing trip. No matter where I live in the world, New York will always be home. No matter how cold. No matter how smelly (in my 6 year olds words). No matter what.

You see, we run a Chabad House on the gorgeous island of Maui, Hawaii, and while most tourists who meet us tell us how lucky we are to live in Paradise, there is a part of me that longs to be in New York with my close friends and family.

Living here is a huge sacrifice. 

Yes, I get to look out my bedroom window every morning and see this.

And the day before Rosh Hashanah we just walk over to our neighbor to picks these...

And yes, my daughter just runs outside to pick me these any time she wants to.

And yes, I get to look out my kitchen window every evening and see this.

And this is a regular Sunday afternoon, 10 minutes away, any time of the year.

I can flood this post with photos that will take your breath away.

But honestly, its hard.

Today was an especially difficult day. You know those days where all you need is a good laugh with your sisters. Those laughs where you can't even speak, where you forgot what was even funny but tears are streaming down your cheeks and your belly aches. It was one of those days where I longed to just meet my best friend at a good Kosher restaurant, order the most fattening dessert on the menu and have a good juicy chat. I was feeling very homesick.

I was coming home from running some errands when I pulled into my driveway and saw a beautiful woman standing outside my house with this huge smile on her face. As I got out of my car she walked right up to me and just went on and on about how 'amazing' we are that we live here, and how we help so many people and she just went on and on giving me this huge amount of strength that I so desperately needed at that exact moment.

She had come over with her husband to pick up Kosher food which we provide for Jewish tourists and her timing, warmth and encouragement could not have been better.

After showing her our mikvah she mentioned she had a blog... a fashion blog.... Fashion-Isha.

Wait, whaaaaaat? I LOVE that blog! I totally didn't recognize Sharon, but she is one of the nicest, warmest, most down to earth people I have ever met. You probably all know her blog as she has like thousands of followers on Instagram, but if for some reason you haven't seen it, go check it out: http://www.fashion-isha.com/. She's incredible.

So we said our good byes and feeling so much better, I went inside to see 2 letters on the table that arrived in the mail for me. I don't remember the last time I got a handwritten letter in the mail, I mean who writes letters these days, right? I opened them both, and they happened to be from 2 different tourists thanking me personally for certain things I helped them with while they were here on Maui.

And it was all very clear.

I am so often caught up with organizing and cleaning my house, homeschooling the kids, figuring out what to make for dinner, shlepping the kids to appointments, missing my friends and family, that I lose focus of why we live here.

So Hashem sent Sharon over this evening. And He gave these 2 woman the great idea to mail me these gorgeous thank you cards. Because HE knows what we are doing here, and this is His way of saying, 'Hey, I know its tough, but keep it up! You're doing great!'

I have really been blessed with so many amazing people in my life who live here, who have become like family. Wonderful people who are warm and caring and who are there for me any time I need them. And so when feeling homesick, its also so important to remember that Hashem brought them all into my life.

May we all be blessed to get these doses of strength in just the right moments from just the right people. Hashem is rooting for all of us!

Wishing you all a wonderful week!

Always,

My Grounding Kit

As homeschooling moms, there is always so much going on in our lives.

Its not easy and often we can feel like we are just running in circles.

A very good friend of mine introduced me to The Grounding Kit.

Her name is Rus Devorah and she is the founder of Toratherapeutics,  a Torah Inspired Approach to Holistic Growth & Healing. I cannot recommend this resource enough.

Here is how it works:

The idea is to have a little box or bag and inside keep 5 of your favorite things corresponding to your 5 senses.

Here is what I have in mine:

 ~Something Sweet~

Taste- I found these candies in Whole Foods and I'm hooked. They come in other flavors but I love this one.

 ~Something Soft~

Touch- This is a piece of Satin from a gown I made for my sister in laws wedding many years ago. It is soft and stretchy and feels amazing.

~Something Soothing~

Sound- This is one of my favorite stations on Pandora. It is called Classical New Age Piano.

 ~Something Fragrant~

Smell- A good friend gifted me with this bottle of Serenity by Doterra. It smells exactly like what it says it is. Absolute Serenity.

~Something Beautiful~

Sight- This is one of my favorite photographs. I actually took it from my kitchen window. It wows me more and more every time I look at it.

  

When you are in a place where you feel things are just getting too much, and we have all been there, go somewhere quiet if possible. You then take each one of these objects and enjoy them for 30 seconds each.

Close your eyes and listen to the music. 

Pop the candy into your mouth, close your eyese, and savor the flavor. 

Look at your photograph and get in touch with what makes it so meaningful to you. 

Hold and stroke the fabric, run it through your fingers, along your cheek.

Smell your essential oil or whatever scent is yours. 

Take 30 seconds for each one and just stop every thing you are doing and savor each thing.

That is 2.5 minutes out of your entire day.

This is not something that you need to do every day. Its something to do when your mind is everywhere and you need it back here, focused, present.

This is YOUR kit, for you. Some of you may need to think really hard about what their favorite things are to make this kit, because being moms and busy all the time, we tent to forget what we like, what we enjoy because we are so busy taking care of everyone else.

Here are some links to where you can get some of these products:

And here is more info on Toratherapeutics:

http://toratherapeutics.com/

rd@toratherapeutics.com

Enjoy and have a wonderful Sukkot~

Always,

Facebook and Instagram Don't Always Lie

Today I took my kids to the beach. Its a 10 minute drive to one of the most crystal clear most magnificent beaches on the planet which we feel very blessed to be able to see from our kitchen window.

In the car on the way down, the kids fought like cats and dogs. I actually pulled over and threatened to turn around if the fighting didn't stop. Yes, I'm THAT mom. And lets just say they were silent for the rest of the ride.

We got to the beach, the kids took their tubes, boats, floats, shovels etc. and raced into the water and had a ball for the next hour. 

Now, during that hour there were a few fights over who was using the pink tube or the blue pale. One of the kids blow up tubes went flying down the beach only to be caught by a surfer guy who brought it back to me while making sure to give me a full on lecture on how bad these toys are for the ocean if they get blown far into the water or blow down the beach and never retrieved all while I was making sure to keep an eye on every one of my children frolicking in the ocean or burying each other in sand.

We headed back to the car and as much as I rinsed the kids off, the car somehow was full of sand when we got home so I had to shake out all the carseats and carpets while the kids took the hose and hosed down all the beach toys and goggles and shoes. They then all ran to the shower fighting over who was going in first followed by me making lunch for the starving crew.

While on the beach, I snapped a few photos of the kids in their element, floating in the crystal clear water, building sand castles and looking all adorable. I posted them on Instagram only to get tons of likes and positive comments, especially ones like 'you're so lucky you live there!' 'such happy cute kids!'

My first thought was, 'wow, this is really is false advertising! No one knows about the fights  and the annoying surfer dude who also lives here, the car full of sand and how exhausted I was when I got home!'

And it made me think of all those times we see eachothers photos on Facebook or Instagram thinking how everyone else's life is so perfect or at least close.

But then I realized, those moments of my kids in the water, building their sand castles- those were truly perfect moments and I am so glad I captured them. My entire morning was so far from perfect but I wanted to remember the perfect moments. And I wanted to share them.

So don't feel bad capturing and sharing your perfect moments- because thats all they are: moments. And make those special moments your memories, not the fights and what not.

Wishing you a summer filled with lots of special moments and may you capture and appreciate them all!

Always,

If you haven't entered the Adina: My Design Sketchbook Giveaway, CLICK HERE to enter now!

It's been a while!

Hey! So yes, it has been a while since my last blog post-
Between broken lap tops, broken keyboards, hubby going out of town, mom exhausted, the blogging just was not happening.

But-

I just received my brand new Macbook today, a gift from the hubs, and I am just so excited to get back into the blogosphere!

Over the past few months I recently reconnected with a dear friend from High School. Although we weren't very close, we always had a really nice relationship and always got along well.

After high school, we lost touch, but fast forward 18 years, throw in a husband for each of us and a bunch of adorable kids, and here we find ourselves both living in very remote places and homeschooling our kids.

I always knew she was a jolly and positive person, always smiling. What I did not know was how wise she was. How practical she was. How organized she was. I mean, she has this time management, home organization, homeschooling, family dynamic thing down! What a wealth of information and resources. I told her she needs to write a blog. She owes it to the world, in my humble opinion. When someone is so good at something, they need to share the wealth, right?

But she is a busy mom so I told her I would be her portal to the world through my blog.

So wonderful readers, I'd like to introduce to you Baila. My very dear and special friend who I now find myself chatting to almost every day discussing everything.

I plan to post a lot of her wisdom, ideas, charts, advice and more on my blog and I know you will love it!

Interestingly enough, the 3rd of Tammuz is this Shabbos. It will be the 21st Yahrzeit of the Chabad Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem M. Schneerson. The Rebbe was all about doing and making the absolute most of our lives. Doing as much good as we could possibly do, squeeze in as much productivity into our day that we possibly could. Even after he passed away, his followers did not go into a state of despair. They went into a state of 'what more can we do now?' 'What mitzvah campaigns can we start?' The Rebbe was all about inspiring others TO inspire others!

Baila has truly inspired me to be the best homemaker and wife I can possibly be. Her homemaking and organizational tips have changed my life- I am not kidding.

So on this Rosh Chodesh Tammuz, I say L'chaim to a new month, may we be able see the good in all situations, may we be blessed with people in our lives to help us see the good, may we be blessed to have good friends and the ability to see that all the important things in our lives are actually okay and the rest will ultimately all work out.

I'm back, it feels great and theres lots more to come!

Good Shabbos,

Always,

Pressing the "Reset" Button

It was a full month before Pesach, cleaning, cooking, organizing and preparing.

It was a full week of Pesach, the Seders, hosting, cooking, entertaining and family trips.

Suddenly it all ends, and we need to get things back to normal, put away our dishes, get back into routine, back to life.

I am not sure why I have had such a hard time getting back into the swing of things. I felt like the second Pesach was over I was just running, with no direction, not stopping to catch my breathe, just going, going, going.

I didn't have time to plan my homeschool week so I was just winging it. All the kids have had different types of appointments making me feel so guilty when I leave them with the babysitter. I haven't planned my meals, or my days and I feel like I'm just going through the motions with no rhyme or reason.

But just like anything, when it just goes without stopping, its bound to either stop on its own or break. I figured that before I break, I better stop.

I learned from one of my organizing and time management Gurus Rivkah Caroline that sometimes you need to 'Take time to Make time'.

And so yesterday morning, I turned my phone off, sat down with my coffee. And I stopped.

I hit the reset button.

I refuse to continue like this. I just can't.

I realized its better to let the kids just play and do their thing for the morning so I can get my ducks in a row and head back on my shoulders then giving them a workbook so I feel good about myself that they did some 'work'.

It is all still a work in progress...

 

(You're welcome to follow me on Instagram where I document most of my kids day to day activities-click on the link)

But I am feeling a lot better since I hit the breaks.

Everyone tells me that I'll blink and my kids will have grown up.

I feel that happened over the past 2 months.

I feel that my babies now want to join the big kids in their school work.

My kids are growing up and the dynamics are changing. 

So too, I need to change with them, and change is okay.

When we homeschool, the only rules we need to follow are the ones we impose on ourselves.

And sometimes we need to change those rules or make new ones.

So here is to new beginnings.

Lechaim, and Good Shabbos~

Always,

36 Lessons in 36 Years

In honor of my Hebrew birthday which was this last Shabbos, here are 36 things I've learnt in 36 years (in no particular order):

1. If something doesn't work, change it to make it work
2. Marriage is hard. Make it work
3. A best friend is one of the best gifts Hashem can give a person
4. Motherhood is so much harder, but so much better than I could have ever imagined
5. Most things/issues in life can be fixed
6. Travel and create as many memories as you possibly can before you get married, it's always fun to look back and tell your kids about your adventures
7. Boundaries are imperative in your life.
8. It's okay to say no. There are lots of nice ways of saying no
9. Having faith is not easy but when you do it will carry you through all sorts of situations
10. Dentists are not as scary as we think
11. When we let go of trying to control everything in our lives, amazing things begin to happen
12. Every problem has a solution
13. The only perfection in the world is Hashem (G-d)
14. Music is very inspirational
15. Going away by myself once a year is one of the biggest gifts my husband can give me and i encourage every mother to do it if possible
16. Be proactive, not reactive
17. There's a strength in asking for help when you need it, emotional help, physical help, any type of help
18. There are so many wonderful people in the world, make it your mission to have them part of your life
19. Being organized is a life long mission
20. Learning Chassisic Philosophy is one of my favorite things in the world to do
21. Some dreams come true without us even realizing it
22. It takes a lot more then Palm trees and gorgeous surroundings to make you happy, although warm weather does help!
23. Seize every opportunity you can to learn positive lessons from people
24. If you have a passion for something, try incorporate it into your day to day life, it will make you happy
25. Being a mother is the greatest thing on earth
26. You need to take time to make time
27. Don't wait for the world to be quiet to get things done, there's no time like the present
28. Do things that make you happy
29. Listen to music that makes you happy whenever you can, blare it in the house to spread the good mood
30. We can start over everyday, and sometimes many times within the day (from Rabbi Nachman)
31. Inspiration doesn't last but roll with it while you are on that high
32. Family comes first, always
33. Don't multi task- when doing something, do it fully then move on to the next
34. Life is hard, but life is also very beautiful
35. Take responsibility for your actions, own your stuff and humble yourself when you mess up
36. We have a limited time here on earth, Hashem chose each of us to be here so make the most of it
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

How to be a Great Parent with the Nurtured Heart Approach

Divine providence has brought an amazing woman into my life. Her name is Julie Katz and she is a Nurtured Heart Parenting Coach. You can read up all about her here and here.

After speaking with Julie a few times, and implementing her parenting strategies, my husband and I literally would just gape at each other in shock every time something she told us to do actually worked. And the results were immidiate. Life changing. Family changing. 

I wanted to call every parent I know and tell them about this incredible apporach to parenting, the Nurtured Heart Approach.

I will warn you though- It is a huge amount of work on our part. Huge.

But if you are willing to work it, you will be truly amazed. Your entire family dynamic will shift and your home will be a very healthy and happy home.

I will do my best to give over as much information that I got from Julie as I can, but I truly feel that we should all do a Webinar with her. She is incredible. 

What I have learned from Julie is this: Kids need our attention. They need our energy. They don’t care if its good energy or bad energy, but they need to know that we are paying attention to them.

When kids are doing what they are supposed to be doing: behaving, speaking nicely, being kind, they really don’t get much attention from us. Think about it. I mean when was the last time you told your child how competent they were because they did their school work without complaining about it. Or how appreciative you are of their good behavior on a random afternoon.

Its when they start acting up that all of a sudden they get their dose of moms energy. Its not that they want to annoy us or make us angry, they just want us to give them some of our energy. And acting up is usually an instant winner to grab our attention.

"Stop hitting your sister!” “How many times do I need to ask you to brush your teeth?!” “If you say that word again you are going to your room!” “Stop doing that!”

Smile if you are guilty of saying any of the above. 

I figured. 

We all are.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

After realizing that all my kids need is my energy, by giving it to them in positive small doses through out the day, so much acting up has been avoided.

We have found that ‘catching’ them doing good things and showing them that we recognize it, it waters their energy garden.

Its about noticing things that usually go unnoticed or unrecognized. Its about telling your kids, "you are worthy of my time, you will get just as much juicy energy out of me by behaving and keeping the rules.”

Here are some examples:

“David, I see how nicely and quietly you are sitting and reading.”

“Sara, I appreciate how you have kept your bedroom so clean today. You really are a great example to your siblings on how to keep a clean room.”

“Rachel, I see how nicely you are speaking to your little sister. You are very kind.”

“Yossi, thank you for brushing your teeth right away without any reminders. This shows me you are very responsible. ”

“Chana, I really love how nicely you are playing with your toys.”

We are not telling our kids how amazing they are and how brilliant they are. We are simply recognizing ordinary behavior and giving it some of our positive energy.

That’s Step 1.

Now Step 2 is a bit more challenging.

Here are some scenarios:

-David hits/bites/punches/kicks (fill in the blank) Yossi and he starts crying

- Rachel calls her sister a name

-Chana rolls her eyes at you

-Yossi refuses to clean his mess

-Sara says a bad word at the table

Now what?

Remember- its all about OUR energy. Do not reward your child with your energy when they don’t deserve it.

So this is how we discipline using the Nurtured Heart Approach:

1: In a very straight and unemotional tone, tell the child who acted up: “You need a time out/reset. Leave the room.” Then continue doing what you were doing. If another kid was involved, shower them with your attention. “Are you okay?” “I am proud of you for not hitting back.” Energize the child who did not break the rules, not the one who did.

2: Once you and the ‘rule breaker’ have cooled down, go talk to them, one on one. Have a Heart to Heart. Compliment them on how they left the room right away when you asked without arguing. Listen to their side of the story. Help them figure out a different action to take if they are in the same situation again. You are here to help them grow and manage frustrating situations.

3: At the same time, they need to know there are consequences for their actions. Whatever consequence you see fit- take away  favorite toy for the day, no screen time etc. but make sure it is immediate, not ‘no nosh on Shabbos’ which is 3 days away.

4: Once they feel heard and have a consequence, they now need to make it right. They need to fix what they did. If they made a mess, they need to clean it up.  If they hurt someone, they need to apologize and do something nice for them- help them clean their room, say some nice words, let them brain storm something nice that they can do to ‘make things right.’

It is a lot of work on our part, but it works.

Believe me, there are times when the last thing I feel like doing is being civil to the kid who just threw their food on the floor because they don’t like the green things in the pasta sauce. But take 10 deep breathes in and consider it an investment into your child and family sanity.

Here is the book where all this wisdom comes from:

And this one:

If you would be interested in having a Webinar or Q&A with Julie, please let me know and we will make it happen.

I just cannot begin to tell you how this approach has transformed our lives.

By no means are my kids perfect little angels now, but we have created a dialog in our family and a go-to strategy each time a situation comes up.

I have my moments when I'm exhausted and I yell, but thats just a reminder that I am human and the Nurtured Heart Approach takes lots of patience, a lot of work  and lots of practice and we are so committed to making it work.

Catching my kids doing something good and acknowledging them for it has transformed our days.  I find them now coming to me to show me the good solution they came up with to an issue they had. I find them coming to me to help them deal with a situation with a sibling when in the past they would have been beating each other up because they simply did not have the tools to deal with their issue.

It is truly amazing. For the sake of your family, just try it.

Wishing you a wonderful week,

Always,

From Frazzled Mom to Super Mom... How we transform as Mothers

5 years ago I had 5 kids under the age of 4.

I was so overwhelmed, sleep deprived, exhausted, emotional and terrified, but I was so busy taking care of my kids that I didn't really get a chance to truly get in touch with how I was feeling. I was in survival mode.

Interestingly enough, one of the biggest difficulties for me was the comments and looks I would get from strangers when I was out with the kids. This irked me to my inner core.

'Wow, you have your hands full!' Really? Thanks so much for letting me know, all this time I thought my life was so easy, but now that you have notified me that my hands are full, I will be able to move on with my day. And the whole response of 'Oh you should see my heart'- I really don't need to justify to you, perfect stranger, how full my heart is. My hands are full and I'm overwhelmed. Stop rubbing it in. I would politely smile and go,'I know, right?'

'Are they all yours?' No, I found some stray kids in the parking lot, threw them into my shopping cart and asked a friend if I could bring a few of her kids with me to the super market cos theres nothing better then shopping with lots of kids, especially if some of them arn't even yours.

'How do you do it?' Well, you see I have this manual that tells me exactly what to do and how to do it. So its pretty simple. I just follow the instructions.

People would actually count out loud, as if I had no idea how many kids I had brought with me.

These experiences and comments really bothered me. I blamed society and how judgmental people are of moms with lots of kids. Everywhere I went I felt like I was being judged as an overwhelmed mom who had no control over her life.

But- in actual truth, that's how I felt. I was overwhelmed and I often felt like I had no control of what was going on around me. And that is what I thought the world thought of me because little did I know it, but that is what I was projecting.

Fast forward a few years. The kids are growing up, and so am I. I have learned so much about life as a mother, a wife and as a human being in general.

Granted, I have more time for myself and after many difficult and guilt ridden years, I finally realized how much my family gains when I truly take care of myself in all areas of my life.

I read the most gorgeous quote on Instagram today by a fellow mom with lots of little ones:

The way you feel is projected onto those around you. Even newborn babies can sense when we are stressed.

***

My older kids had some birthday and Chanukah money they had saved up and we decided to go to the store today so they can all get something.

They got their shoes, grabbed a snack and buckled themselves into the car. I grabbed my ice tea and fig bar and off we went, everyone bopping to the music as they were all discussing what they hoped to find at the store. Even the little ones were in on the conversation.

We got to the store, I immediately stuck the little ones in the shopping cart and we headed straight to the toy section. The older kids were all busy looking through the Legos and My Little Ponies while I grabbed a few flashy singing toys for the little ones to play with to keep them busy.

Everyone found something, all smiles, and we headed to the checkout. My 5 year old grabbed a candy bar and asked if he could have it. I told him if he found a Kosher sign on it then we could discuss it. He didn't find the sign so he put it right back, no questions asked. The lady behind me complimented me on my well behaved kids. And no, my kids are no more well behaved then yours, but my kids know that we only eat Kosher so its really no big deal to put it back.

Then a lady in the next isle looks over and goes, 'are you the nanny or the mom cos you don't look a day over 25!' Ha! I gave her a smile and told her I was the very proud mom.

You see, we all go through that overwhelming stage. Where we wonder how on earth we will ever get through  this.

But guess what? We NEED to go through that because that's the only way we can turn into the strong and awesome moms that we become.

I don't remember exactly when the shift happened, but one day I realized that when I go out with my kids, I am just SO proud to be the mom of these awesome people! I walk onto the playground with my camera ready to capture these kiddos in action. I thank Hashem everyday that they are so close in age and everywhere we go they have each other to keep company. And I guess that pride shows because the comments I get show it.

The comments I get now are more like, 'They're so lucky they have each other!' 'Its so nice to have a big family' 'Whats your secret to making it look so easy?' 'How are you so calm?'

People are in awe. Not pity.

So while I am sure there are many of you with lots of little ones who get those pitiful looks and annoying comments, hang in there! We have all been there and we get how annoying it is- and things will change. Things will get so much better that not only will you feel great but the people around you will feel it too.

Wishing you a wonderful week,

Always,